I hate my self.
Not that one, not in the meaning like I hate a part or some part of my body, well.. yeah.. sort of. I hate my feeling. Hate how I gets angry easily toward certain asshole. Hate that I'm still unable to unleash that grudge.
______________Lately, I've spent my life in my church, literally.
Sunday, choir rehearsal,
Tuesday, my class on SOM,
Wednesday, if I'm scheduled to WL-ing,
Thursday, Night Prayer Service,
3rd Friday, additional rehearsal for choir's show on 4th Sunday.
Sunday, weekly Sunday service.
And I should've been more... rohani, right?
I am, I think I am. I do feels I am.
But, seriously, before I joined in any services, I felt so excited to meet, to learn and to do anything I can. That, before I get to know a man who's constantly irks me. Don't know whether he does it in purpose, or me and him are just so jiong. He resuscitate the devil inside me. That bad tempered girl is awaken. Again.
Came home from my class this evening.. Hmm.. I have a totally different perspective now. :(
"... nyatakanlah apa yang salah, tegorlah dan nasihatilah dengan segala kesabaran dan pengajaran."
"... Kasihilah musuhmu, berbuatlah baik kepada orang yang membenci kamu;"
"Barangsiapa menampar pipimu yang satu, berikanlah juga kepadanya pipimu yang lain..."
Nggak tau yaapa.. tadi d kelas malah isa nyasar mbaca ayat-ayat ini...
Ini tah yang dulu diomongno gesekan dalam pelayanan itu...
Ini tah yang namae mengasihi..
Ini tah yang namae diproses itu..
Ini tah yang namae dibersihkan itu...
The question now is back to me.
Do I want to be processed?
Do I want to learn my lesson and stop seeing other's fault?
I want to be perfected.
I want my crowns!
I want to be fruitful.
I want to step to the next class.
I want to be like Him.
"To grow in love, God will bring unlovely people into your life so you can practice real love."