Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sebel.

Subtitle bahasa gado-gado mode on.

I hate my self.
Not that one, not in the meaning like I hate a part or some part of my body, well.. yeah.. sort of. I hate my feeling. Hate how I gets angry easily toward certain asshole. Hate that I'm still unable to unleash that grudge.
______________

Lately, I've spent my life in my church, literally.
Sunday, choir rehearsal,
Tuesday, my class on SOM,
Wednesday, if I'm scheduled to WL-ing,
Thursday, Night Prayer Service,
3rd Friday, additional rehearsal for choir's show on 4th Sunday.
Sunday, weekly Sunday service.

And I should've been more... rohani, right?
I am, I think I am. I do feels I am.
But, seriously, before I joined in any services, I felt so excited to meet, to learn and to do anything I can. That, before I get to know a man who's constantly irks me. Don't know whether he does it in purpose, or me and him are just so jiong. He resuscitate the devil inside me. That bad tempered girl is awaken. Again.

______________

10.46 pm

Came home from my class this evening.. Hmm.. I have a totally different perspective now. :(
"... nyatakanlah apa yang salah, tegorlah dan nasihatilah dengan segala kesabaran dan pengajaran."
"... Kasihilah musuhmu, berbuatlah baik kepada orang yang membenci kamu;"
"Barangsiapa menampar pipimu yang satu, berikanlah juga kepadanya pipimu yang lain..."
Nggak tau yaapa.. tadi d kelas malah isa nyasar mbaca ayat-ayat ini...

Ini tah yang dulu diomongno gesekan dalam pelayanan itu...
Ini tah yang namae mengasihi..
Ini tah yang namae diproses itu..
Ini tah yang namae dibersihkan itu...

The question now is back to me.
Do I want to be processed?
Do I want to learn my lesson and stop seeing other's fault?

Yes.
I want to be perfected.
I want my crowns!
I want to be fruitful.
I want to step to the next class.
I want to be like Him.

"To grow in love, God will bring unlovely people into your life so you can practice real love."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Passion


"God gave me a voice to sing with, and when you have that, what other gimmick is there?"
Whitney Houston


Everybody dreams. Everyone live with passions, either they're aware or not. One or few things that they love doing over and over again. I'd say it's not just a mere hobby. It's something genuine, something that we love doing it wholeheartedly, something that we feels we can not live without. I've always wanted to write down this deep passion of mine. How I ended up being a worship leader and a choir member in my church. After a very long procrastination, here I go. :)

***

I can't remember when I first started singing. I'm not that type of girl who love to show some artsy skill since I was a kid. Being raised with two brothers made me constantly hated pink, barbie, dolls, plushy doll, ribbons, you know... that kind of girly stuff. My mother didn't read me books. She made me listen to cassettes who played a story telling of local tales every single night. I still have those treasure 'till now. My dad, loves to sing. I guess I got this passion from him. He used to woke us all early in the morning, or made us unable to sleep, listening to him performing aka karaoke-ing in our living room. I grew up with The Beatles, Bee Gees, Phil Collins, MLTR, Elton John ROARING in my 'lil ears from time to time. And I hated that. Seriously. My house wasn't that big that I could just walk away and stopped listening to that noise. Hey.. I've moved three times since I was a kid and in every living room that we have, there was always, always, always a stereo set installed, complete with the sound speaker, sub woofer etc. That torture hasn't stopped until today.

***

It's all started in my childhood church, Bethany Manyar where I joined the School of Ministry in 2009. I'm on 4th grade now. Last semester, my SOM had a new program. They wanted to take their novices who wants to be included in ministry to register their names and they'll help them to do services. I was reluctant. I did not register my name. I remained seated and eventually walked away to my class when the announcement was made.

Actually, the call was there.
My church, Bethany Nginden always gives us weekly printed news. I used to see the advertisement of some choir groups looking for new members, or the sunday school looking for new teachers. I've always like: "Oh God... Is this it? Hm.. no.. I'm busy God. If, and only if, this ad is still printed here next week, I'll apply." And dang! There they were, next week, black on white. And I was like: "One more time. If, and only if, they're still there next week. Then it's meant for me. Okay, one more week God." Hahahaha I made a bargain with my saviour. lol And yet, I've never applied.

Back to my SOM. Entering my class, I saw some of my classmates had already picked their seats. The chairs was arranged in two columns. I picked a "safe" chair, in the middle row-right column. I blended perfectly with my classmates. Saying hello and traded halfhearted smile, we waited for our teacher, Mr. P. He was scheduled to came late for half an hour, therefore, Mr. D came to fill us in. Smiling widely, he entered the class and started to talk to us. Bla bla bla.. I can't remember what he was saying cause my mind were wondering somewhere and honestly I was not interested in his talk. Until... He suddenly strode till he halted right in front of me, pointing his hand toward me and said:
"WHAT ABOUT YOU? Have you joined a ministry?"
Me, blinking in surprise, "Hah?"
"Have you joined in a ministry, miss...?"
"Fang-Fang, sir..", I made a new nickname in SOM due to the difficulty of saying my name correctly with Siau Fang or Ufang. I once called "Ulfa". So not funny..... duh~
"No, not yet, sir.."
"Why not? What talent do you think God has given you?"
"Eeh??", thinking- with the whole class waiting for my answer, "singing?" hahaha..
I must've been either really paled or blushed indeed.
"Wah.. Where do u usually sing?"
And I wasn't sure how to answer this one, should it be "in a party? or in a sunday school? in college?" Instead, my answer was "Emm.. anywhere Sir.. Anytime I feels like singing, I sing."
And he bursted in laugh..
Hmmm.. Did I answer it wrong? I still don't know 'till today.
"Have you submitted your name earlier in the hall?"
Oh-O.. "Nope."
Then he made an impatient sound and told me to write down my name, class and phone number.
ShI*! I felt like a criminal caught in the crime scene.

And since that day, yeah, I guess since I handed him my name, I'm officially serving my Lord. :) Mr. D is a great teacher, a wonderful fatherly figure for us. And I'm as always, very blessed to have him tutoring and guiding me. He chose me, I can even say I'm special to him, I don't know why.

Couple weeks after that night, I have my audition. And I even almost not coming if it's not my best friend, Ratna drove me there. Hahahaha. That was my first audition ever. My heart was like a marathon runner. I sat down with the other participants, looked around with sweaty palm. Pheww.. I listened people sang their songs, some were good, some were horrid. And then, my turn came. My BFF sat there, didn't smile even a bit, I guess she's either too relax knowing I can beat it or she's even more nervous than I was. lol She watched me sang 2 songs with shaky voice in the beginning, and then it was over. :)

I was told the result the next week. From all of the participants, we were divided into 3 groups. Choirs, singers and worship leader. And this is where the horror began. The selected worship leader was *drumroll please..........* me. Me??? Me, like really me? Who's still live so humanly, not so "church-like" one? Me? Who's still cursing sometime? Whose heart is still repairing? I am so far from living the.. the.. the "right" or "bright" way.. You know what I mean, right? Being the one standing in the middle of the stage, worshipping, praising the all mighty Lord, delivering His people into His presence? I was:
"No way Sir! I can't!"

And Mr. D was all calm and said, "You're the only one my wife chose. She wouldn't have chosen you if she thought you're unable to be one. Trust me, you can do this." FYI, his wife Mrs. M is a SOM teacher, a preacher, and a worship leader herself. "Why do you think you can't be a WL?"
"Because, I am afraid to stand alone and sing louder than anyone else!"
"Why?"
"Because I'd be ashamed if I sing the song inaccurately, or what happened if I forget the lyrics sir? No, no.. I'd rather be a singer than a WL sir."
"Why singer? They stands in the corner."
"It's okay sir, I'd rather be not seen. OK!"
"No, not okay. You can relax with the other singers stand beside you on the stage. But when you're standing alone, have faith that there'll be angels on your side, helping you."
And that idea somehow mesmerized me.

Since that day, I've committed myself to be a faithful servant. If there is any simple thing I can do to repay my saviour for all His graces, if it is my voice, let it be. Thy will be done. Every time I'm going up on the stage, I remind myself, this is not my show. Not me, not mine. Everything I do, I'd give my best for His glory. I want to please Him always. I've been warned that when we entered the field of ministry, there'll be two kinds of people. Ones who'll support you and pull you up, and ones that will hate you; try to pull you down and harm you with any means. Be strong. Yes, be strong my heart. Because my journey has just began.

I have a dream.
One day, I will stand on a stage. I can see the stage in my mind actually.. hehehe.. I saw me, singing for Him, praising and worshipping my true love. And people who came for Him receives the miracle. There'll be miracles through my singing. Where blind people see, the sick ones got healed and cancer will be banished. Where broken hearts got restored. Everything happens through hearing my singing, entering His presence, and voila~ I'm no Moses nor Noah.. I'm no Elijah, but I want, I want to be a tool to manifest His miracle in my living years... Now that's my dream...

As for my singing, I'm gonna sing till I have no voice left, till my last breath. :)

"I don't sing because I'm happy; I'm happy because I sing."
William James

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Shattered

One's his only heir.
Promulgated and crystal clear.
The queen runs with the late.

And the beating bridge, flows silently.